Without Answers

I respond to kindness and attention. When someone is kind to me, I like that. When someone is interested in me, I get kind of crazy with delight. Is everyone like this? I just today realized this about myself. And I wonder if I'm starving for attention. Which makes me wonder if we are all starving for attention. I am going to try to be extra kind to someone this week, I'm going to try to be genuinely interested in someone and see what happens. Kind of Jesus-like I suppose.

Christianity is messed up.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I don't belong.....anywhere. Did I ever? We push and squeeze and lie to ourselves trying to make the dress fit. The truth is, it doesn't fit and it isn't even my style, it's ugly. 

One size fits all Christianity is a lie. We are one body with many parts. Not only can a hand not say to a foot that I have no need of you, it also can't say, be like me, do what I do. 

For so long I have tried...... Tried.

Jesus says, "Stop trying." 


That is a crazy idea. 

Everything about parenting challenges me. 

I have to remind myself, sometimes, that I chose this life. I chose life. I didn't know it at the time. At the time it didn't seem like a choice at all. To me, it was the only option. Motherhood came without warning, without planning, without wanting. When I was a girl, I didn't dream about being a mom, I didn't plan my wedding in my mind, I didn't think of names for my one day children. No, when I was a girl, I decided I did not want children, ever. Never. Never say never. Right? Amazingly though, mothering comes naturally. I have found everything I need already within me. I love my children without reservation. I will do anything for them, even die if I have to. My love for them is fierce. A mother's love truly is a force not to be reckoned with. And I hate to even think of life without even one of them. Parenting on the other hand is VERY HARD and does not come naturally. I know I'm a great mom. I have no doubts. I doubt myself as a parent everyday though.

I have been married for twenty years and counting. It's a long term committment. Long enough to regret my decision to marry this man and then again to be desperately grateful for this man in my life. Long enough to fall in and out of love more than once. To imagine life without him and then to not be able to imagine life without him. Committment. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes there is no better feeling in the world. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe. Or maybe the grass is greener where you water it. I don't know. Love, what the heck. 

Does it really matter if I recycle? Does my little pile of trash make a difference at all? What's the point? Really. It's just one more thing to do. I'll tell you one thing though, I feel guilty when I throw away the peanut butter jar because I don't feel like cleaning it. Honestly, I do. I think we recycle like it is some way of easing our guilty conscience, it makes us feel like we are doing something positive and useful and good. But are we?

I had to talk to my sixteen year old daughter today. One of those 'parent' talks. It's wierd, sometimes when I'm talking, I feel like I am sixteen again and I'm not really listening to anything I'm saying. My Dad says that you know when a teenager is lying, they open their mouths. I don't believe this, but I think it's funny. I have to believe that my teenagers are telling me the truth. I have to believe the best in them. I have to trust them. Unless proven otherwise. It is especially hard because I was such a messed up kid, and I know why my dad feels the way he does, because of me. But I have been redeemed, I'm not that messed up kid anymore. (I'm a messed up adult now, and I hide it well.) If I didn't have Jesus..... Seriously. He is my hero. Jesus is my SUPER HERO. He has made something beautiful of my mess. He is amazing. I don't completely understand it, but I know what I know. I have been redeemed with this crazy kind of love. Not just that, but this love somehow lives in me now, and through me as I try to be a responsible adult, a  balanced parent, and a life-long wife. This hope fills me and I find courage to keep going.




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