The circumstances of my life last week left me clinging to the cross so tight that I am still picking splinters out of my hands/my heart. You can do all of the right things, say all of the prayers, make all the sacrifices, but in the end, you're not, and never have been, in control. This I learned the hard way, which unfortunately for me is the way I learn best.

Twenty years ago:

The moment I saw those little pink lines my future was decided for me. I was going to have a baby, I was a mother. Every decision of my life since then has been determined by how it will affect my children. I like to think that I am a pretty good mother. I carry my children on my heart 24/7. I am now forty and I have nine children. My oldest daughter is nineteen and my baby boy is just about four. I have literally sacrificed my life for my children. My heart beats for them, their needs are my highest priority in life.

Back when I had three children under 5, an older man at church gave me some parenting/disciplining wisdom, he said, "Be careful, when they are young they will step on your toes, but when they are older they will step on your heart."

My heart was crushed last week under the weight of those heavy feet.

Was it my expectations? Were they unrealistic? I just thought it would be different. I never envisioned her leaving this way. I tried so hard to raise her right. We brought her up in the church, we taught her to pray, to read her Bible everyday, to work hard, to be responsible, respectful, what happened? I thought I did everything right. And she looked me straight in the eyes, and lied to me. And I believed her. I defended her because my faith and trust in her was that strong. She didn't lie, ever.

Until she did.

Have you ever felt desperate?

Recent excerpts from my Journal of Thanks:

Thank you God for:

191. Raw honesty. Not the sugar coated, polished, look good sort of truth, but the real, hard, bare, hurting and healing kind.

192. Acceptance. Genuine come as you are acceptance.

193. Desperation. On my knees in a pool of tears with nothing left, desperation.

194. Refuge. You are a strong tower and I am safe. Thank you.

195. Peace. Your peace, your manifested peace to my raw aching heart. You are with me, I know.

196. Your Word. The promises that are sustaining me today. You are your word and your word is alive in me today and I am safe and I am not alone and you are here.

197. Grace.

The truth is, I am desperate. We are desperate. Some days we don't feel it, but every breath is sucked in, in desperation for the next. Jesus is the sustainer of life, and we are all desperate, all of the time. This is the reality that we live in. Without him, we can do nothing. Literally, he is holding this universe together, he is holding us together. Take heed, like me, if you think you are standing, lest you fall, like me.

Know for certain, if you have given Jesus your heart and your life, then the worst part is the falling. Landing feels kind of good actually. He it is that catches us when we fall. And it is in his strong arms that we are reminded that we are not alone.

Grace is all I have, this I know.


p.s. I am sharing today with Ann and several other sisters at


Oh my friend... we have not met - but I know your heart breaking... I lived it and then some with our Only... we can do all the things right - but it doesn't guarantee us an easy road! But - oh - how often we want one, don't we? Praying for you and your girlie! I am linking up today with Ann as well!
Tracy said…
So many times when I see my children make wrong decisions that could harm them I remember where I came from, who I once was and the grace and mercy that was so generously poured out on me and I have hope for my children, dispite my failures.
When I put pressure on myself, in knowing how many heartfelt prayers were lifted up, how many books on parenting I've read, how many times i thought I got it right, I think of our perfect loving Father and how although He is perfect, we still wander away from His perfect plan. And I know that if our perfect, loving Father can have disobedient children, why should I expect not to? Am I holier than He? Ofcourse not!
You've done good Renee! And so has your girl! She IS a good girl, don't let one lie blind the love and faith you have in one another.

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