My Story: God Has a Plan: Part Two

 Vividly, I remember, on my knees, alone, I bowed  my head, lifted my hands and repented. I surrendered. I accepted. I believed. Jesus! I tasted of the heavenly gift. And oh how refreshing and how sweet! My chains were loosed, I was set free! That joy. That freedom. That Love. Filled up and flowing over. So beautiful. So free!!!!

Where did it go? When did it leave? I don't remember saying goodbye. Suddenly I can't remember the joy, the freedom. How did I end up here?

One step at a time. One choice at a time. One attempt at a time, to make myself acceptable to God.  I started following Jesus with my mind. I began to put a lot of restrictions on myself.  And of course as we do this we start walking in judgement of everyone else that isn't.

Particulars?  Anything that is not specifically in the Bible would be an additional act of righteousness, not required by God. Not only is it not required, but it is a stench in His nostrils, repulsive to Him, filthy rags.
I sincerely believed my 'extra righteousnesss' was the path of holiness. I can now see clearly where the joy went. In the midst of my unrecognized 'self' ' righteousness I truly did not see. I had blinded myself, I no longer had ears to hear. Yet, in this season of my life I believed that it was everyone else that didn't have ears to hear. There was one thing that kept nagging me though. I couldn't share my faith with unbelievers. How could I? I had made it so hard to believe. Do this and don't touch that. The simplicity of the Gospel was anything but simple! And why didn't any of the Christian people around me see their need ?....I wasn't free to share my insight with them either. This led to me to pull back from them, build walls and walk in ungodly judgement toward my sisters and brothers. No wonder I had lost my joy!

He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom. (Proverbs 18:1)
Every so often, at a weak moment, God used these verses to prick my conscious. I would listen, heed, and then fall back. This happened at least three times that I can clearly remember.

I am very sorry to admit that this lasted almost 13 years.  It started with little things and grew until I was totally dry. The living water had dried up. I was wilted and desperate for water.God is faithful. The mercy of God is deep water. God doesn't give up on us. Thank You Jesus!!!!! It is amazing to me, really.

Finally, during the summer of 2011, I gave up. Not in a God way. I just didn't care anymore. Apathy, basically. I was exhausted from trying, it wasn't working.  God used my marriage to begin to open my eyes.
I have always tried to be a godly wife. The problem was, "my" godliness wasn't enough. I didn't have anymore of "my" godliness to give to my husband.

Getting ready for home school in the fall of 2011 I came across a simple book about marriage. As an after thought I put it in my shopping cart and checked out. Wow! It was through that little book that God began to open my eyes. The scales started falling off my eyes and my ears were unstopped.

...and I repented.

True repentance is reminiscent of those first moments of salvation. My chains were once again broken, I was free, I was once again tender hearted and full of joy. So full of joy. Life had come to me again. The Living Water was flowing, is flowing and is so much that I can't contain it, it is spilling out everywhere,all over my life, everyone I meet, gets a little wet. God is the author of this water, this river is His and He directs it where He wishes. I am just a vessel for Him to flow through. Just a vessel? No, more like a blessed vessel!!! It isn't "my" righteous acts that cause this river to flow. It is all Him. The part I play is COMPLETE surrender.

"God, I am yours. You are all of my righteousness, You are the light that shines through me, You are the life that is in me. You have given me today, and I give it back, I will follow you wherever You lead me today. I am listening, I am waiting on You. Every moment I want to be led by You. In your presence constantly. Nothing in this world will I hold on to. Nothing is more important than You."

How do I entreat you to come to the Well of Living Water? Nothing this world can offer us will give us life. Nothing. Life only comes from Jesus. No amount of 'doing' for Jesus will give us life. Actually, we need to be careful, because we can let our doing replace His DONE. It is finished. We are made righteous by His one act. Our ten thousand acts, if done to be righteous, will only lead us away from Him.

This new life is so awesome! Awesome? That really doesn't describe living for Jesus. A pre-requisite for this abundant life is COMPLETE surrender. That is it. very simple.  God is for us. He doesn't want us to be confused. Read the Bible and believe it. Don't add to it, which was my sin, and don't take anything away from it, meaning don't decide what you are going to believe. Believe it all. Do it all.

Believe it all. Do it all.

Glory be to God!




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